It is getting harder and harder to hide my mental illness from friends and family, in particular my son. My last new antidepressant started a series of crying jags . I had to wait a week and 1/2 to go on it then 4 days into it I sunk into a deeper depression. I had a thought about being a burden on my family and that was enough to scare me. I called the doctor tonight to see what can be done. However, I am discouraged beyond belief and I am so afraid for my sanity. I will run out soon of TV reruns to watch because I just keep trying to soothe myself but soothing is not like a warm blanket to me it is cold because depression is loneliness. If I came out of this depression, I am not sure I would know what depression does not look like. I seem to have shed a part of myself that was ever existing and to think that I will ever smile or dream again is to painful . I try to function in the real world but it is like a shadow world to me. It is dark and deep and a veil that covers the real world. It leaves me disorientated and confused and most of all disorganized and overwhelmed. My doctor finally pulled the trigger after months of trying all sorts of drugs. Now, mind you I wanted this done first of all. However, he didnt deem it necessary at the time. Would it have saved me a lot of suffering? I don't know. I am not feeling as optimistic about it as maybe I should be. This is because everything seems like it hasn't worked. Well the process can take up to 6 weeks , in the meantime I am suppose to put myself on a low dose of another antidepressant. I am not sure I will do it at this point. I might just wait and see what happens and what I call it, white knuckle it through.
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