False Father Figures

I lost my father at 13. He never was much around, holidays and birthdays. Back when I was young there was no set time for parents to have their children. Usually the child stayed with the mother, there was no tossing the child to and fro from house to house or weekend visitations. I have since found out that I was most likely saved from a world wind of who knows. Most likely some stuff that would not have made me a better person and possibly even more messed up than I have been. Since then I followed the pattern that many follow when they loose a parent or don't have exposure to that parent, finding a substitute. It is a funny thing because as I have become older I was fully aware of the psychology behind it. Fully. However, time and time again i fell into the trap. It was usually older men, in fact all . I played the victim and they fell for it . I became to involved not always sexually and yes that happens with people and those who the hookup. It is Freudian kids. Most often it was on a level of initial friendship or protector. However, I must have always pick wrong because it never turned out well. It is always the same, they disappoint they hurt. I am now at a delicate point in my life and that disappointment is difficult and if I go through a crisis I cannot handle it and I continue to be pulled back into that little girl role. She has been hurt way to much and I must protect her now. It is vital.

It is rare to have parents that are good role models, I have just come to that conclusion. Possibly, I am only exposed to those people that are broken.

It is 40 years since I lost my dad and I have never truly seen myself through it . The day he died , no one comforted me . No one talked to me and I distinctly remember a few days later sitting on the front step playing in the dirt and someone, a figure and voice long gone in my memory saying "it's Summer you don't want to waste the whole summer do you?" I assume I didn't . Maybe that is why when I sit here today going through what I am going through I cry for the spring I cannot experience. "You don't want to waste the Spring do you?" I do find that I am starting to become bitter and know it is not my fault when these things go south . However, I recently had a incident with one such faux pa and it did send me into a tailspin. So much so I was concerned for myself and again angry at myself for my reaction. I couldn't separate what I knew was going on in my head vs. what was happening it was like being on autopilot . I hated the whole process and it only proves again that I am now at a delicate place and cannot afford to keep doing this.

"You don't want to waste the Spring, do you?"