Thursday, July 11, 2019

Another new Antidepressant . This is the 5th one in 6 months. I am a mess. My family and house is a mess and I often don't think about suicide but I thought about Robin Williams last night . How horrible he must of felt to end it because the anguish was too much to handle. That is a bad place to go. When I can't nap my body is off. I need that time to deregulate and if I don't I suffer . However, my body is too wound up to do so.

The next pill is outside the box of antidepressants. It often is not prescribed because of the restrictiveness in food that is required when taking it. It is a MAOI . With MAOI's you can not consume foods with Tyramine. If you do it can cause a hypertensive crisis that can result in a cardiac episode and/or stroke. Great huh? However, I am trying a patch called EMSAM and if taken at the lowest dose of 6mg. This potential life threatening situation can be hopefully avoided as well as the food restrictions. However, is 6mg. therapeutic enough to wash away my depression? It is because of the lack of prescribing by doctors that there is not much discussion by people on Reddit that have taken it. In fact a lot would seem to be a more geriatric population that make positive reviews because that is where EMSAM first experimented on. So it is hard to gather hope from other users. I don't know why I always fall into those Google searches.

Trying to find some glimmer of positiveness from whatever pill I am on. I know each person is different. Each person is on a different set of drug regimes and there is no cookie cutter reaction when it comes to using psychiatric drugs. I asked my doctor to prescribe it. I said I had tried SSRI's and SRNI's to no avail. MAOI's was the only class of drug that had not tried. Could this be the answer? I cannot hope, I am fearful of hope. I try to have faith though.

However, my type of faith is not the typical God faith. I believe in a being that envelops our universe. Although, what true answers there is I cannot begin to determine and organize religion is not something for me. Am I scared? Yes. Have I been scared? Yes. That is all I have been the last 6 months since I started this. I thought the brain tumor removal was a leap of faith. The dumping of my psychiatrists that managed my meds and pursing a tele-psychiatrists was another leap of faith and now this. i wish I had a memory of when a leap of faith has helped me but my memory has been damaged by the use of all these drugs and what I think is also stress related. So I move on to this. It is a leap of faith , so remind me later if it works.



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